


Two hands longing for each other's warmth

by Themooncat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Animal Traits, Animal spirits, Dubious Consent, Fluff and Smut, Kuroo and kageyama are half brothers, M/M, Pining, Sex Pistols AU, Sex Pistols/Love Pistols Crossover, Slow Updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2019-10-07 08:17:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17362361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Themooncat/pseuds/Themooncat
Summary: It started when Tsukishima brought Kuroo to his house after he found him collapsed in the changing rooms after a volleyball match._________________“Tsukishima?” Tobio asked groggily over the phone.Right. I forgot it was 2:34 am.“Hi, Tobio. I'm so sorry I called this early in the morning. Ummm… T-...Tetsurou is here. I-” Tsukishima didn't get to finish talking as Tobio started making a lot of noises on the other end of the line, probably getting out of bed and falling over, Tsukishima guessed from all the bangs and swearings he heard.“My idiot brother is at your house?!?”Tsukishima rolled his eyes at that because Tetsurou was far from stupid… Unlike Tobio.____________________(Inspired/Based on the manga, and anime, Love/Sex Pistols by Tarako Kotobuki)





	1. When we were young

**Author's Note:**

> **Here are some things you need to know before reading the story:**
> 
> About Madararui (from the sex pistols wiki): Humans are either Madararui (30% of population) or are normal, regular, plain people (ape men). 
> 
> Madararui are "zoomen", those with animal spirits. They can take on a different subgenre of species (cat, dog, bear, snake, crocodile etc.) 
> 
> Normal humans can't see/aren't aware of madararui. To them Madararui's are just plain humans as well. If there are madararui people talking about their spirits, or if they reveal their Madararui's (whether it's to show off, for posturing, mating etc.) the normal people will not register that event and carry on with what they were doing before then. (almost like amnesia, for normal people it would have never happened.)
> 
>  
> 
> You should also know that in Madararui the subgenres play a big part/role. Some madararui can have multiple subgenres (depending on their parents) ie. In this story Kuroo is a Panther(heavy seed cat) Madararui with traits of a snake(Heavy seed). Both of these animal spirits are common (3% of the madararui population)
> 
> The subgenres are:  
> Dog (Light to middle seed - ie. Pomeranian to doberman) - 15% (largest population)  
> Cat (Light to heavy seed - ie. House cat to Panther or tiger etc.) - 3% (1 of the 4 common)  
> Bear (middle to Heavy seed) - 3%  
> Snakes (Light to heavy seed) - 3%  
> Crocodile (Light to heavy seed) - 3% 
> 
> There are very rare subgenres as well as those that are extinct and some that are considered "myths". These are the:  
> Mongoose - Less than 1% of Population (rare)  
> Bat - Less than 1% of pop. (believed to be a myth)  
> Bird - Less than 0.33% of pop (Myth almost extinct)  
> Fish - Less than 0.33% (extremely rare, almost unheard of)  
> Retrograde - Less than 0.33% (believed to be extinct)  
> Dog (Heavy seed - ie. Wolf) - (believed to be extinct)
> 
> Seeds:  
> The meaning behind the light seed or heavy seed is merely about strength, whether its in a fight or about mating those with a heavier seed (middle or heavy) are stronger.  
> ____________________________________________
> 
> The dubcon isn't in this chapter it's in a later chapter. I tagged it just to be safe. 
> 
> If you read the manga/watched the anime you know why I'm tagging it dubcon if you haven't watched it/read the manga please give it a go! It's actually very interesting. This is based on the story of Shiro and Yonekuni.

Tsukishima Kei was in high school when he first met Kuroo. 

 

He had taken his brothers advice and decided to check out the volleyball team to see what he was applying for. One person on the team caught his attention. He was so passionate, strong, handsome -despite the weird gravity defying hair- and really seemed to enjoy the game… _ Why? It was just a game? How can he be so serious about some club? _

 

Tsukishima couldn't take his eyes off of him. Kuroo Tetsurou was amazing, he could've sworn he saw a glimpse of a Panther madararui on Kuroo but there was something else there as well. When Tsukishima joined, Kuroo had taught him how to block better and a friend of his, Bokuto told him about that ‘one moment’. 

 

It was because of him that Tsukishima started to enjoy the game more. He had fallen for him. 

 

One rainy night, Tsukishima noticed that Kuroo was a bit off during a big game, they had still won but Tsukishima was worried about him. He waited for Kuroo to exit the locker room to ask him how he was, so that no one else could disturb them. Everyone had already left, but Kuroo didn't come out. Tsukishima went in the locker room to look for him when he found Kuroo splayed out on the floor. 

 

“Tetsurou!” Tsukishima rushed over to him and felt his forehead to see if he had a fever. Kuroo didn't have a temperature, in fact he was almost ice cold. Tsukishima was glad then that he had not just a bird madararui but a wolf as well, allowing him to emit warmth to Kuroo and bring his temperature up. “Tet- Kuroo, please wake up. I can't leave you here like this.” Tsukishima lightly patted Kuroo’s cheek, trying to wake him up. 

 

Kuroo stirred but didn't show any signs of waking up. Tsukishima hated that he forgot to bring his phone today of all days. Seeing as they were the only ones left, Tsukishima decided to take Kuroo back to his house. 

 

Once at the house Tsukishima brought Kuroo to his room so that he could rest. He tucked Kuroo in and turned to get his phone on the bedside table, when Kuroo dragged him onto the bed. Pulling him into a tight embrace and… Spooned him. Kuroo Tetsurou was spooning him. Tsukishima blushed so hard he was sure he was as red as a strawberry, but tried to compose himself. Reminding himself that Kuroo was  _ ill _ and just needed him for warmth. Tsukishima relaxed in his embrace and at some point ended up dozing off. 

 

Tsukishima’s eyes shot open when he heard his phone buzz on the bedside table. He carefully lifted Kuroo's arm around his waist and slipped out of his hold. Kuroo merely shifted and moved over to where Tsukishima had been laying, seeking his warmth. Tsukishima's heart was beating fast and he knew he had a light blush on his face. 

 

He had slept beside his crush. 

 

Tsukishima shook his head to clear his thoughts and picked his phone up. His brother had just texted him asking if he ‘had come home safe and how the game went.’ Akiteru was out at his girlfriend's apartment and wouldn’t be back until the next day. Tsukishima replied saying how they ‘had won and he made it home safe and just went to his room for an early night’. Which was half the truth. 

 

Tsukishima called Tobio, Kuroo's half brother who Tsukishima tutored every now and then.  

 

“Tsukishima?” Tobio asked groggily over the phone. 

 

_ Right. I forgot it was 2:34 am. _

 

“Hi, Tobio. I'm so sorry I called this early in the morning. Ummm… T-...Tetsurou is here. I-” Tsukishima didn't get to finish talking as Tobio started making a lot of noises on the other end of the line, probably getting out of bed and falling over, Tsukishima guessed from all the bangs and swearings he heard. 

 

“My idiot brother is at your house?!?” 

 

Tsukishima rolled his eyes at that because Tetsurou was far from stupid… Unlike Tobio. “Yes, he's at my house. He was passed out in the locker room. I think he collapsed after the match, he was sort of off during the game, and since we were the only ones left I brought him to my house. I wasn't able to get my phone until now, I left it at home and once I brought him here he sort of... Trapped me. Anyway, could you pick him up please?”

 

“Is he ok?!” Suddenly Tobio sounded concerned. 

 

“Yes, he's fine he's just sleeping now.” 

 

“Ok, make sure he’s warm. Cold temperatures make him sluggish and if he isn't careful he could become very sick.” 

 

Tsukishima remembered that he wasn't supposed to let anyone know that he was a madararui, as he came from not 1 but 2 rare madararui parents; crow (heavy seed bird, bird madararui are thought to be just a myth) and wolf (heavy seed dog and believed to be extinct) he had inherited more of his mum’s crow spirit, making his spirit a crow but he had his father's wolf traits such as the high body heat. Which was why Kuroo felt better in his presence. Bird and wolf madararui were extremely rare that they are targeted by a lot of dangerous people. So in order to protect Kei and Akiteru (who was mostly wolf with few bird traits), their parents had put a spell on them that would lock away their madararui spirit and make them appear as normal humans(ape men).  

 

“I made sure to keep him in a warm environment, I noticed his body temp was low and his lips were almost blue when I found him. I'll text you my address so you can pick him up.” Tsukishima said instead, so that Tobio wouldn't know he was a madararui.

 

“Alright, thank you Tsukishima.” 

 

After that night Kuroo would show up at his house when it was cold out, or when he wasn't feeling well. Tsukishima would always call Tobio to pick Tetsurou up before he woke. 

 

They didn't really do anything, Kuroo would just sleep next to Tsukishima and cuddle him. Each time Kuroo ‘visited’, Tsukishima noticed that Kuroo would act different and seemed to forget about the visits the very next day. Almost as if he were sleepwalking. So he decided to pretend as if they never happened as well, if it would help Kuroo.

 

Then Kuroo left for college, he had taken a gap year, which Tsukishima was happy about since he got to play with Tsukishima and the team during practices. The only time Tsukishima got to see Kuroo, one-on-one, were during the visits. Except like all the visits, Kuroo didn't talk much. He didn't talk at all, he was just… There.

 

Tsukishima went to the same college as Kuroo. He went because it was one of the top universities and had the best courses, but it was also partly because Kuroo was there. 

 

He didn't join the volleyball club in college, but did watch Kuroo's games. He didn't want to be on the team in case he let slip his feelings for Kuroo. They had sort of grown apart since he was no longer playing volleyball but that didn't diminish the feelings Tsukishima had for him. He still loves him, even if he knew Kuroo wouldn't feel the same way.

 


	2. Not so innocent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has an explicit scene, not exactly graphic and it's short but I'm changing the rating to be safe.
> 
> (It's slightly dubcon. If you aren't comfortable with it, either don't read any further or skip the parts in the dashed lines.)

“Tsukki!!! Eat lunch with us pleeeease!!!” 

Tsukishima looked up from his phone and was greeted with the vibrant red hair of Tendou Satori, a friend of his since the start of college. People wondered how they became friends in the first place, since Tendou was hyper and Tsukishima was… Well, Tsukishima. What they didn't know was that Tendou was smart and could handle Tsukishima’s wit and sass without getting offended and would even throw back some witty remarks of his own. He was a good friend. 

“You haven't eaten lunch with us in forever! Look, even Toshi is sad!” Tsukishima spared a quick glance at Ushijima, the man’s face was as stoic as ever. Tsukishima was sure that the only person who was able to read Ushijima’s  _ facial expressions _ was Tendou. 

 

“Tendou, you know that Tsukishima meets up with someone during lunch time. We can hang out with him during the weekend at the swimming pool.” Ushijima said wrapping an arm around Tendou’s waist and gently pulled him back into one of the empty chairs near Tsukishima’s table. 

 

Tendou pouted and moved to sit on Ushijima’s lap. “Alright. But next week you have to at least try to ditch whoever you sneak off with and eat with us, ok?” 

 

Tsukishima chuckled softly. “Sure.” he looked up at the clock and saw that it was already 12:03pm.  _ I’m late. _ He stood up and got his lunch box. 

 

“Sorry, I have to go. I’m late. I’ll see you this saturday at the pool, yeah?” He ran to the rooftop. Though he didn’t really have to rush since  _ he _ was always late. So he wasn’t that surprised that the rooftop was empty when he arrived. He decided to stay since it was more likely that Kuroo was just running late. Really late. Again.

 

He was right, around 15 minutes before he had to leave, the roof door swung open revealing a tired Kuroo. He jogged towards Tsukishima and plopped down beside him. Leaning his back against the wall and slowly sliding down it.

 

“I'm so sorry, Tsuki! I was helping Tobio with something.” He panted out. 

 

“It's ok, Kuroo. Just, maybe next time, text me how late you're going to be, so I know whether or not I should stay or leave.” 

 

Kuroo shot up and searched through his bag almost shouting: “No! I wanted to come! I really did, I just lost track of time. Here!” Kuroo found and pulled a box out of his bag and handed it to Tsukishima. “A token of my apology.” 

 

Tsukishima’s heart was beating fast and he pushed down the blush he could feel building up, as he took the box from Kuroo. He opened it and there in the box was a slice of strawberry shortcake. His favourite food. “Thank you, Kuroo.” 

 

Kuroo just chuckled and took out a burger from his bag. “No problem. Did you eat already?” He asked as he took a big bite out of his burger. 

 

“I had a sandwich.” Which was half true, Tsukishima had half a sandwich. And a good thing too ‘cause now he had room for the strawberry shortcake. 

 

“That's nice. Maybe get a rice meal next time. I feel like you're losing weight. I'm worried about you.” 

 

Tsukishima looked away as he took a bite of his strawberry shortcake. Tsukishima had lost weight, he hadn't been eating well the past few weeks… The past month actually.

 

Why? Because almost two months ago their innocent ‘visits’ stopped being innocent. 

  
\------  
  


Tsukishima should've seen the signs. Ever since he started college Kuroo had become a bit handsy. When they were sleeping/cuddling Kuroo had started to move his hands against Tsukishima, stroking his arm, rubbing his torso and even wrapped himself around him more. Tsukishima had thought it was just Kuroo trying to find more warmth. But then 7 weeks ago, during a bad storm, Kuroo’s hand had wandered down to Tsukishima's pants. When that had happened Tsukishima turned to face Kuroo, he was met with dazed honey eyes staring at him, he asked Kuroo what he was doing but Kuroo didn’t answer, just stared at him. He continued to move his hands under Tsukishima's shirt wrapping his arms around his waist, leaned in closer and kissed Tsukishima on the lips before trailing the kisses down to his neck.

 

Tsukishima couldn't help his arousal. “Kuroo, what are you doing?” He had asked. Kuroo just sighed out an “I want you.” Before capturing Tsukishima in a heated kiss. The thing was he wanted it too. Tsukishima wanted it as he knew this is the only chance he could get with Kuroo. Even if he knew that Kuroo was doing it all subconsciously, was probably thinking of someone else, and wouldn't remember it the next day, he wanted it.

 

Kuroo ground his hips against him and all thoughts left his mind as he let out a breathy moan. Before he knew it Kuroo had both of their pants off. Kuroo turned Tsukishima around and carefully prepared and stretched Tsukishima before entering him, even if Kuroo was in his entranced state, he was gentle with him. Tsukishima felt good, it didn't hurt as much as he thought, even if it was his first time. Tears ran down his face, he was happy he was joined with the man he loved. Kuroo ended up joining him in his climax. Once they were both finished, Kuroo pulled out and laid beside Tsukishima before knocking out, allowing Tsukishima to pull away and deal with his conflicting emotions. 

\------

He cleaned up while waiting for Tobio to pick Kuroo up. But his mind was a mess.

 

He was happy that he had that experience with the person he loved, but he was scared and he was mad. Mad because he felt used. Kuroo probably did this because of the warmth, could have even been thinking of someone else while he did it and he was angry at himself because he had let it happen. He let it happen because he loved Kuroo and thought this was the only chance he had with him and he didn't regret it.  _ I'm disgusting. _

 

When Tobio arrived he knew something had happened. How Tobio knew? He had no idea but it could've been the fact that Tsukishima wouldn't look at either of them when he retrieved Kuroo. 

 

“You're acting weird. What happened?” Tobio asked as he carefully wrapped Kuroo's arm around his shoulder before hauling him up.

 

“Nothing.” Tsukishima lied. 

 

“Tsukishima, please. You can talk to me. What happened?” 

 

“W-we… We had… He was holding me...But- but then we… Bonded.” Tsukishima said, unable to tell Tobio properly, but he understood. 

 

“Tsuki- he… Did he force you?” 

 

“No. No, he didn't. I was surprised but I… it wasn't unwelcome.” Tsukishima confessed but still couldn't bring himself to look at Tobio. 

 

“Tsukishima, he wouldn't come here if he didn't trust or care for you. The thing is, I don't think he’ll remember this in the morning.” Tsukishima knew that and his heart sank at the reminder. “Are you sure you're ok?” Tobio asked carefully.

 

“I wouldn't let him do anything I wasn't ok with.” 

 

Tobio sighed “I know you love him, but this will only hurt the both of you.” 

 

Tsukishima sighed, finally looking at Tobio. “I know. I'm being selfish. I know he won't ever return my feelings but if this is the only way I get to be close with him, then I'll take it, even if it's just for a while. Please, don't tell him. Just for now, I'll end it and tell him the truth when the time comes.” 

 

Tobio agreed, Tsukishima knew he wasn't happy that he was allowing this to happen knowing that it will just end in heartbreak. But Tsukishima didn't mind, he knew the consequences, he just wanted to be a little selfish, just for a little while. 

  
  
  


The hourly bell rang, snapping Tsukishima back to the present. He looked down and saw that he had already finished the cake and so packed up and got ready to leave. 

 

“You're going already? We've only been here for 10 minutes.” Kuroo whined. 

 

“Yeah, well, you were late. And I have to get to my next class.” Tsukishima left Kuroo on the roof and ran to his next class. He didn't want to be late. 

 

 

 

Kuroo watched Tsukishima leave and cursed himself. “I shouldn't have helped Tobio and his boyfriend today. Shit! I've been late too many times that I'm sure Tsukishima thinks I don't want to eat lunch with him anymore.” He hit his head against the wall behind him, hard. 

 

Kuroo had approached Tsukishima the first week Tsukishima started college. He found out that Tsukishima wasn't going to play volleyball anymore and so Kuroo came up with the idea of eating lunches together so that he could at least spend some time with Tsukishima that weren't in class. Tsukishima and Kuroo shared 2 classes, but they couldn’t really talk there. 

 

But meeting up for lunch proved to be hard. The first month he would be late because he was always stopped by women confessing to him or by his classmates trying to drag him off with them. Giving him less time to spend with Tsukishima. What annoyed him the most was that Tsukishima didn't seem to care. 

 

Kuroo thought he had built a close relationship with Tsukishima. During his gap year he did his best to spend time visiting their high school so that he could be around Tsukishima. But when Tsukishima came to his college they started drifting apart. 

 

During his last year in high school Kuroo started having dreams of an unknown person. They would just lay together, the person would talk to him but Kuroo couldn't seem to reply. He enjoyed the dreams, he liked to think it was Tsukishima he was with, the way he spoke and his silhouette was similar but he couldn't see his face. During his second year college, when Tsukishima came, the dreams started to take a turn. He realised his feelings for Tsukishima during his gap year, which was why he wanted to spend time with him. And ever since then the man in his dreams resembled Tsukishima, just without glasses. When his feelings grew for Tsukishima so did the dreams. 

 

He was so confused he wanted to confess his feelings to Tsukishima, but he had no idea if the blond even felt the same way. He didn't want to ruin what they had. His phone vibrated. He fished it out of his pocket and sighed as he read the text. 

 

**Tobio: Hey, Shouyou needs help again. His spirit keeps showing and he can't control it.**

 

**Tetsurou: Yeah, ok. I'm on the roof, meet me here. If not then I'll help you after my class in the afternoon.**

 

\-- After school, at the Kuroo household--

 

Tetsurou just finished helping Hinata with what he could and was relaxing in their living room on the couch. Tobio walked Hinata out before coming back and joining Tetsurou. 

 

“How did you know that you wanted to be with Hinata?” Kuroo asked, startling Tobio. They never talked about things like this. 

 

“I-... I don't really know. He sort of just fell into my life and I guess the madararui in me connected with him. He just seemed to complete me, I felt happy being with him and before I knew it I… fell in love.” 

 

There was a moment of silence before Tobio cleared his throat. “Why the sudden question?” 

 

“I- I don't know. It’s just this thing with Tsukishima… I want to spend more time with him and it annoys me that no matter how hard I try it still just doesn't work out well. And I just-... I don't want to lose him. I'm just trying to find out why. I've lost friends before and was indifferent to it, but with him… I don't want to lose him.” Tetsurou sighed and slouched further into the couch. 

 

“Why don't you just confess.” Tobio asked.

 

“Confess what?” Tetsurou pretended that he didn't know what Tobio was talking about. 

 

“You like him, confess. You never know, he may like you back.” 

 

“I don't- I don't like him… Like that. He's my friend. I just don't want to lose him.” Tetsurou stood up and walked out. Leaving Tobio alone in the living room.

 

Tobio sighed and rubbed his temples. “Even if they're actually smart, they're both idiots when it comes to things that matter.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Twitter (updates, art and randomness, feel free to chat :D )](https://twitter.com/lucytoyn)   
>  [ Tumblr (mainly my artworks)](https://lucymt-art.tumblr.com/)


	3. Nothing lasts forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late update. I actually had this finished months ago but didn't post it for two reasons.  
> 1.) I felt it was a bit short and wasn't sure whether or not to combine it with the next chapter. (decided to post it as it's own chapter)
> 
> 2.) I felt that this fic wasn't well received. That no one actually looked forward to it, so I kind of lost motivation for it. But last week I got the motivation back. I do like this story so decided even if it doesn't do well, I'll have it finished for myself at least. :)

 

Saturday came and Tsukishima was at the Campus pool with Tendou and Ushijima. 

 

Tendou was swimming around, playing and having fun while Ushijima was swimming laps. Tsukishima just sat on the ledge letting his feet dangle in the pool, not feeling like going in the water just yet, he should've known that that was a bad idea. Tendou grabbed his arm and pulled him into the pool.

 

“Tendou!” Tsukishima groaned as he resurfaced from the water. They weren't in the deep end of the pool, so he was able to stand.

 

“Tsuki! Come on play with me, or if your not in the mood… Talk to me.” Tendou said as he moved closer to Tsukishima. Looking at Tsukishima with knowing eyes.

 

Tsukishima sighed. He should have known Tendou would've figured something was wrong. But he tried to reassure him anyway. “I'm fine. It's nothing I can't handle.” 

 

“Is it about Kuroo?” 

 

Tsukishima froze and looked at Tendou with shocked eyes.

 

“I’ve always known it was Kuroo you were meeting with. I saw how happy he was when he saw you during the entrance ceremony. You're always excited to have lunch with him and yet you have a hint of sadness in your eyes… Do you love him?” 

 

Tsukishima nodded, knowing he couldn't lie to Tendou. “I do, but… I can't tell him.” 

 

“You should-” 

 

“I know. I've had this talk before. But it's ok. I'm fine with just being friends with him.” Tsukishima interrupted Tendou. Who pouted at his response. 

 

“I just want you to be happy.” 

 

“I know, thank you… I actually have something to tell you.” Tsukishima leaned over and whispered into Tendou’s ear, telling him about Kuroo’s late night visits.

 

“I knew those hickeys weren't mosquito bites!” Tendou whisper shouted. “Tsukishima, why would you let that happen though. Isn't that killing you on the inside?” He said even softer, worry written all over his face. 

 

“It is.” Tsukishima confessed. “Which is why I decided to end it the next time he comes over. And it’s also why I can never tell him how I really feel, because who would do that to someone they love?” Tsukishima had tears pool in his eyes. And Tendou pulled him into a hug. 

 

“Hey, hey, it's ok. It's ok. I understand why you did it… If you ever need help, Toshi and I are here for you, ok?” 

 

“Thanks, Tendou.” Tsukishima and Tendou swam around and talked. Enjoying their time at the pool. 

 

Tsukishima left the pool first, so that he could give Tendou and Ushijima some time together, and headed for the changing room. He had his shirt on, which was now damp and hugged his body, his towel hanging from his neck, hiding the hickeys he had that we're slowly fading. He didn't have his glasses on, he’d left them in the changing room locker as he was worried they'd get lost or broken when he was swimming. 

 

Since he couldn't see well Tsukishima ended up bumping into someone who had just exited the gym as he was passing by. He would have fallen had the person not held onto him.

 

“I'm so sorry. I can't really see where I'm going, I don't have my glasses on.” Tsukishima said as he looked up at the person he bumped into. He regretted doing so, as he ended up looking into the eyes of none other than Kuroo Tetsurou.

 

“Hey, Tsuki. You ok?” 

 

“Yeah, I'm fine. I was just swimming with some friends.” Tsukishima replied as he looked away. 

 

“You're shaking. Here I have an extra towel-” Kuroo wrapped a dry towel around Tsukishima and was about to help lead him to the changing rooms when a hand landed on Tsukishima's shoulder, stopping Kuroo from taking him. 

 

“It's ok, we’ll take him.” Ushijima said, Tendou standing behind him. 

 

Tsukishima saw how Kuroo just stared at where Ushijima’s hand was resting on his shoulder. A dark expression fell on Kuroo’s face as he let out his Panther spirit. Ushijima instinctively did the same, preparing for a fight. The spirit that emerged shocked Kuroo and the other madararui onlookers – the non-madararui carried on as if there was nothing there, unable to see the spirits. 

 

Ushijima’s spirit was an eagle, a madararui that is thought to be a legend. Tendou, who Tsukishima knew was also an eagle, stepped between Ushijima and Kuroo. He grabbed both Tsukishima and Ushijima by the arm and dragged them to the changing room. 

 

“We are not going to make a scene here. I can’t believe you let your spirit show. Heck! Tsukishima was between you guys, that could've ended really badly!” Tendou berated Ushijima before dragging Tsukishima into a tight hug. Though they were best friends Tsukishima hasn't told them about him being a madararui. They wouldn’t believe him anyway as they wouldn't be able to see it, with the spell his parents had cast on him.

 

“Tendou, I'm ok. I’m fine.” 

 

“Oh. Sorry.” Tendou let go and gave Tsukishima a sly smile before he whispered. “Kuroo looked jealous and as if he was going to fight for you.” 

 

Tsukishima flushed and stuttered. “He- no. He was just-... That meant nothing.” 

 

“Ok, ok. I  _ believe _ you.” Tendou didn’t. He skipped away from Tsukishima and hugged a pouting Ushijima. Saying something in his ear before Ushijima pulled him in for a kiss.    
  
Tsukishima smiled as he turned to his locker to change. He was glad that he was friends with them.

 

 

Once Tsukishima was home, it started to rain. Tsukishima watched the heavy fall of droplets through his window and hoped that Kuroo wasn't affected by it. Hoped that Kuroo had made it home on time and was in a warm place. 

 

He didn't want to see him yet. He didn't want to end it today.

 

He wasn't surprised when he heard a knock at his door. But his heart did break just a bit. 

 

Nothing lasts forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ twitter (updates, my art and randomness, feel free to chat :D )](https://twitter.com/lucytoyn)   
>  [ Tumblr (my art, feel free to chat or send me an ask about my art or fics :D)](https://lucymt-art.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If you want to know some of my WIPs I posted a [thing on twitter](https://twitter.com/LucyToyn/status/1134105619651125248) that lets you get a sentence sneak peek if you comment a word. :)


	4. 'Cause you are the reason I'm losing my sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturday. Kuroo's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm slowly getting my drive back. I've been working my way through my fic wips but have also been busy preparing for an art convention I'm tabling at this weekend (on July 13th). It's my first one and I'm excited!  
> _____________________________  
> ___________  
> (chapter title taken from "you are the reason" by Calum Scott)
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

 

\-- Saturday, Kuroo’s POV --

 

Kuroo woke up feeling dead to the world. His chat with Tobio still ringing through his head. 

 

Kuroo didn't tell Tobio that he loves Tsukishima because he's worried that if he told Tobio, Tobio would tell Tsukishima during one of their study sessions, even if it was by accident. He couldn't risk that. 

 

His heart was heavy with the reminder that his efforts to try to get closer to the blond, to get closer to his heart, never worked out. 

 

He groaned and pressed his palms to his eyes before he ran his hands through his hair and messed it up - more than it was already - in frustration. He dropped his arms back to his sides, splayed out across his bed. Glaring at the ceiling with determination he knew he wasn't going to give up. He would still try and woo Tsukishima Kei. 

 

His phone rang, alerting him of an incoming text and cut off his little inner pep talk. He reached over to check the message. 

 

Tobio was out and was asking him to meet him and Hinata later on at the pool. He sent a quick text back saying he would and hopped out of bed to get ready for the day. As he was eating breakfast he decided that he should probably exercise at the gym so that he could de-stress and make it easier to meet Tobio and Hinata since the gym was in the same area as the pool anyway. 

  
  


He was able to get a couple of sets of weights done and was finishing up the last hour on the treadmill when Tobio texted him, informing him that they were on their way. 

 

Kuroo decided that he should probably wrap up soon so that he could shower before meeting his brother and his boyfriend. He walked for 3 minutes on the treadmill before jumping off and heading to the changing room, he took off his shirt, stuffing it in his pocket as it was soaked. He had a dry towel slung over one of his shoulders, and was wiping the sweat on his face with a hand towel when he bumped into someone. The impact and shock caused him to drop the towel he was using.

 

He instinctively caught the person in front of him to prevent them from falling over. He smiled brightly when he saw that it was Tsukishima he had bumped into. 

 

Tsukishima apologized but Kuroo was worried about the fact that he was walking around without his glasses. “Hey, Tsuki. You ok?” He asked, looking Tsukishima up and down, checking for any bruises.   
  
“Yeah, I'm fine. I...” Kuroo didn't hear what he said next as he felt Tsukishima shiver under him. He saw Tsukishima's face reddened even when he tried to hide it by looking away. Kuroo immediately removed the towel on his shoulder for Tsukishima. 

 

“You're shaking. Here, I have an extra towel-” Kuroo wrapped a dry towel around Tsukishima and was about to help lead him to the changing rooms when a hand landed on Tsukishima's shoulder, stopping Kuroo from taking him. 

 

Kuroo barely held back a growl and his eyes flickered up momentarily to see who the owner of the offending hand was, Ushijima Wakatoshi. His blood boiled at the fact that someone had tried to stop him from taking care of Tsukishima and even laying a hand on him. 

 

Kuroo knew that Ushijima didn't mean anything bad by it, but he wasn't thinking clearly at the moment. His Panther spirit emerged, snarling at Ushijima, Kuroo's hand — the one not wrapped around Tsukishima's waist — morphed into a panthers paw and sprouted claws. 

 

Just as Kuroo was going to pull Tsukishima behind him and away from Ushijima, a chill ran down his spine as the spirit that Ushijima released was one told in stories, a fairy tale, a myth. But his eyes weren't playing tricks on him. Ushijima was an Eagle madararui. 

 

He was shocked long enough for Tendou to grab both Tsukishima and Ushijima and left Kuroo alone trying to control his madararui spirit. The spirit that was telling him to go after Tsukishima and fight Ushijima if necessary. Instead he went back into the gym and ran on the treadmill until he got his spirit in check. This was his first time, since he was young, to lose control over his spirit. Never once had he let it out in an open area where non-madararui could see him – not that they would notice or remember, but still. 

 

He slowly went to the changing room and was both relieved and disappointed when he saw that Tsukishima and the others weren't there. Kuroo showered, making sure not to stay too long in the shower as the water was always a bit too cold for him, but after a while didn’t really pay much attention as his mind wandered off. Wondering why Ushijima would be that protective over Tsukishima…  _ They were just friends, right? Unless… Unless Ushijima likes Kei... _

 

The problem with being in a different course in a big college campus is that you don't share much, if any, classes with the other courses. So Kuroo doesn't know much about Ushijima or Tendou. Doesn't know that Ushijima and Tendou are mates and the only reason why Ushijima acted the way he did was because not only is Tsukishima his friend, but is also Tendou's best friend so he would be more protective of him as it would make his mate happy. 

 

Kuroo, not knowing this, started to worry that Tsukishima might not ever see him as more than a friend and go with Ushijima instead. His mind was preoccupied that he forgot to dry his hair and instead just put on his spare clothes, took his stuff and left to head back home. His meeting with Tobio and Hinata forgotten.

 

His hair had gone cold and was soaking his shirt, the combination worked fast that he was already dazed by the time he was at the exit, he didn't even register that it was raining. 

 

A gust of wind was the final hit. His body temperature dropped below 30ºC and he passed out. 

 

The guard at the desk rushed to his aid, as did a group who were also on their way out.

 

One of the students recognised Kuroo, he was a classmate of Tobio's and called him up. The guard tried to see if he could get a response out of Kuroo but as he was about to lift him up to take him to the infirmary Kuroo opened his eyes and moved out of the guards hold. The guard asked what happened but Kuroo didn't answer he just walked out in the rain, leaving his things behind. None of them saw the glazed look in his eyes.

 

Kuroo was already gone by the time Tobio arrived with Hinata. The guard and classmate relayed what happened. Tobio just picked up Kuroo's things and told them “He’ll be fine. He was just... tired. Hasn’t been sleeping well the whole week. I guess it finally caught up to him.”

 

Tobio thanked them before heading back to his house with Hinata. 

 

“Is Kuroo going to be alright?” Hinata asked.

 

“Yeah, when he drops he goes to the one place he feels the safest… Well, actually, to the  _ person _ he feels safest.” 

 

Tobio wrapped an arm around Hinata and pulled him close to him so he could kiss the top of his head. 

 

“I hope those two work things out.” Tobio mumbled as he revelled in the warmth from Hinata and watched the rain pour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ twitter (updates and my art )](https://twitter.com/lucytoyn)   
>  [ Tumblr ](https://lucymt-art.tumblr.com/)   
>  [ Ask me something on Curious cat! (= ˆ w ˆ =)](https://curiouscat.me/LucyToyn)


	5. I know it's all in my head (I'm sorry)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait, I've finally caught up with some of my wips and am starting on the 6th chapter for this too (not sure if the 6th will be the last)
> 
> This Chapter has smut with feelings.

Barely an hour had passed before there was a knock at Tsukishima's door. 

His heart dropped and he felt as though someone had punched him in the gut.

This was it. 

Tsukishima knew what he had with Kuroo, this...  _ thing _ , was never going to last. It wasn't real. It wasn't right. He needed to end this, it had gone on long enough and he couldn't continue hurting Kuroo like this. He was a horrible person for letting it get this far and continuing it. No matter how much he wished those moments were real, that kuroo did want him back, he knew it was just a lie. 

His legs were moving on their own, bringing him closer to the door, closer to Kuroo. He was wringing the towel in his hands, nerves pouring off him in waves. He hesitated when he was at the door but he just took in a deep breath before he opened it slowly. 

There Kuroo was with glazed eyes, his untameable hair now flat and dripping on his soaked shirt that was clinging to his skin, defining the curves of his muscles. His pants equally soaked. He leaned forward to get closer to Tsukishima and his warmth.

Tsukishima draped the towel over Kuroo's head, hands immediately moving to gently rub his hair dry as Kuroo made his way inside to get closer to Tsukishima. 

“Look at you. I can't believe you walked in this weather, you could have passed out on the street or injured yourself. I-”

Kuroo had captured Tsukishima’s lips, cutting him off. His hands wrapped around Tsukishima’s waist, pulling him closer so that Tsukishima was flat against him. Tsukishima’s shirt was getting soaked but he didn’t care.

Tsukishima moaned into the kiss. He missed him and this was the last time he would ever get to do this with Kuroo. With that reminder Tsukishima kissed back, throwing himself into the kiss. His arms wrapped around Kuroo’s neck, his hands running through his damp hair, the towel forgotten and slipped to the floor. Kuroo’s hands slid down Tsukishima’s waist until they reached his butt, Kuroo massaged his globes for a while before hooking his hands under his thighs and lifted Tsukishima up. Tsukishima’s legs instinctively wrapped around his waist and he let out a small gasp which allowed Kuroo to slide his tongue in his mouth and deepen the kiss.

Tsukishima was weak, moaning into Kuroo’s mouth as Kuroo walked them to his bed and sat them down. Making sure Tsukishima was straddling his lap, Kuroo thrust his hips up so that it'd grind against Tsukishima's, he drank the sounds that Tsukishima made as he rocked his hips to meet his.

Tsukishima whined when Kuroo pulled away to lay him down on the bed, he took his shirt and shorts off before leaning over Tsukishima to kiss him again. His hands sliding under his shirt to lift over his head. Tsukishima helped him remove his shirt so that he could go back to kissing Kuroo faster and practically mewled when Kuroo kissed his stomach and left a trail of kisses up his torso until he reached his neck. 

This hasn't happened before. Kuroo had never kissed him as much as he was now, only a few soft press of lips against his or on his shoulder, and Tsukishima loved it. Kuroo was more passionate but was still tender. Every kiss and contact he placed on Tsukishima made him feel like he was precious and loved.   _ If only it were real _ .

Kuroo growled out “ _ mine _ ” before he lavished Tsukishima's neck. Placing open mouthed kisses that left hickeys and giving him occasional nips, here and there, that had Tsukishima gasping and bucking up to feel Kuroo against him. 

Kuroo’s hands slid down Tsukishima’s sides till they reached his underwear, his fingers hooked around the band and gently pulled them down and off. He swiped his tongue across one of his hickeys before he reached over Tsukishima to get the lube in the bedside drawer. 

Tsukishima knew this has to end. The only problem was he would remember all that happened, so now he just wished he could forget. Forget the fact that the real Kuroo Tetsurou didn’t feel that way about him. He may want to be with him, but it was most likely not in the way Tsukishima would hope. It hurt but it was true. It was time he stopped lying to himself.

He was brought back when he felt Kuroo’s fingers disappear, having finished preparing him, only to be replaced with something thicker and longer. He still couldn't believe that he could take all of Kuroo, loving the feeling when Kuroo slid all the way in and gasping when he felt Kuroo move. The stretch a pleasurable burn. Kuroo started up with nice, slow and shallow thrusts that gradually built with every moan and cry that passed Tsukishima’s lips. 

Tsukishima was surprised with how different Kuroo was tonight. He was more passionate that he almost thought that Kuroo had woken up. But with their faces this close together, he knew that wasn’t the case.

Tsukishima looked into the glazed eyes of his love and his heart stung at the reminder that this wasn't his Kuroo, not really. He wanted to close his eyes and picture the warmth of Kuroo's bright hazel eyes, but he stopped himself from doing so. He wouldn't taint Kuroo more than he already has. Instead he brought a hand up and cupped Kuroo's cheek.  _ I’m so sorry, Tetsu. I love you. _

He might have said that out loud as Kuroo stopped moving and mumbled something so softly he couldn't hear it, before he flipped Tsukishima over so that his butt was in the air and his chest against the bed and then slipped back in and continued pounding into Tsukishima’s tight heat.

Kuroo’s hand slid around Tsukishima’s neck, and gently turned his face to the side to capture his mouth in a heated kiss, licking the pleas right off his tongue. Tsukishima whined low in his throat and bit at Kuroo’s bottom lip. The action caused Kuroo to growl and lose a bit of his control causing a short flash of his madararui spirit to show. His hips thrust deeper, hitting that bundle of nerves that had Tsukishima crying out and his toes to curl. They were both close.

It didn’t take long, only a couple more thrusts and Tsukishima felt his release, he clenched around Kuroo’s girth as he did, an “I love you” tumbled past his lips, and that seemed to help pull Kuroo off the edge as he followed shortly after. Spilling inside Tsukishima.

Tsukishima threw his head back at the feel of him being filled. A lewd cry spilled from his mouth when Kuroo bit his neck while continuing to grind against him, riding out his release. Kuroo kissed the bite and caressed it with his tongue. Tsukishima shuddered under the ministration, feeling happy and over sensitive. 

He basked in the afterglow. Humming contently when Kuroo maneuvered them so that they were on their sides cuddling, Kuroo still buried in Tsukishima's warmth, arms wrapped around his waist.

Before reality crashed down on him.

Tsukishima took a deep breath but allowed himself to enjoy their moment for a little longer before he pulled away from Kuroo to get a washcloth to clean him up.

His legs were wobbly but he still managed to make it to his bathroom to prepare a washcloth for Kuroo. He was kind of glad that, at least for a little while, he'll have a reminder of their last night.

After he finished cleaning and dressing Kuroo – in a new set of clothes he had for him in case something like this happened– he put on black pajama pants and a long-sleeved turtleneck shirt, that covered majority of the hickeys but definitely covered the bite mark, and sat at the edge of his bed. A tired and resting Kuroo laid across it with his head on Tsukishima's lap as he combed his fingers through his hair. Waiting for Tobio to pick Tetsurou up with a heavy weight in his chest.   
  
  


— Kuroo POV —

Kuroo didn't know what had happened. First he was at his college campus leaving the covered sports building to head home so he could meet Tobio, the next he was in front of a door. A door that wasn't to his house, but he's sure he's seen before but can't place.

He must be dreaming again. Maybe he made it home and passed out once there or maybe he passed out at the sports area. He knew he was heading home to meet Tobio and Hinata but… Did he actually make it there?

He had no idea. But one thing was sure, he was dreaming. He could see water droplets fall from his hair but he couldn't feel them, he didn't feel cold either and so he knew this was a dream. It was his most vivid dream, but a dream nonetheless. 

The door opened and a cloth of some sort was thrown over his head. Tsukishima, or at least a blond beauty that looked a lot like Tsukishima, was standing in front of him, drying his hair. He moved closer to the blond to get a better look, but the blond also moved back a couple of steps, leading them deeper into the room. The blond really did look like Tsukishima. 

Tsukishima was drying his hair and fussing over him in his dream. He was so happy that he didn't think and just kissed Tsukishima, felt the soft lush lips against his, pulling the blond flush against him. He heard Tsukishima moan, and God! He wanted to hear that again, he wants to make Tsukishima make more sounds. 

Hands were around his neck soon after that, and he moved his down to Tsukishima's ass. He was so glad that he could feel Tsukishima in his dream – even if it was a bit numb. As if he had light pins and needles when something came into contact with his body (at least it was something.) – but he wanted more. He lifted Tsukishima up, the action making Tsukishima gasp and he took that opportunity to deepen the kiss. His tongue slipped into the warmth of Tsukishima's mouth, his tongue caressing Tsukishima's. His moans were music to Kuroo's ears. 

He didn't realise his feet were walking them to a bed until he sat down on it. 

Tsukishima was now straddling his lap and he couldn't help but grid up against him, drinking the moans that Tsukishima made as he ground back. 

He wished this weren't a dream. That Tsukishima and him were a couple. A couple that would bicker, fret over each other, care for each other,  **love** each other. But he wasn't an idiot. This was a dream. He'll wake up eventually, so might as well make the most of it.

He pulled away from Tsukishima, to lay him down properly on the bed, and found it cute when Tsukishima whined his protest. He could see the real Tsukishima doing that. 

He undressed himself before he continued to kiss Tsukishima while he helped him undress as well. His heart skipped a beat at the fact that his dream Tsukishima seemed just as eager to never part from him. He kissed Tsukishima's stomach and kissed a trail up to Tsukishima's neck, he was happy when Tsukishima mewled and melted under the act. His madararui Panther spirit preened at the sound and he heard himself growl out a “Mine”.

He made sure that every kiss and nip he gave Tsukishima showed his love, showed how much he cared for him. Dream Tsukishima loved it if the sounds he made were any indication. Tsukishima bucked up against him, trying to feel more of him and Kuroo wasn't going to let him down. 

He pulled off Tsukishima's underwear without breaking away from his neck. His mind seemed to know where the lube was and so he retrieved it before pouring a generous amount onto his fingers. He carefully slid a finger in, letting Tsukishima get used to it before moving it about and adding another when he felt looser until he fit four fingers inside. He took in the sight of Tsukishima's flushed face and his slightly opened lips in a pant as he worked his fingers inside him. He couldn't wait any longer and he was sure Tsukishima was ready from the way his hips moved to take his fingers in deeper. So Kuroo withdrew his fingers, slicked his cock up with some more lube before lining himself up to Tsukishima’s hole and slowly pushed in. 

Tsukishima’s hole was warm and still a bit tight and he groaned at how easily he seemed to take him, his hole sucked him in – and made him wish he could feel things properly in this dream – as he bottomed out. He moved slowly, giving shallow thrusts but the sinful sounds that spilled from Tsukishima’s mouth had him speeding up getting lost in his desire to make Tsukishima cry out more!   


He was watching Tsukishima’s face the whole time and when Tsukishima brought a hand up to cup his face he pressed against it, loving the dull tingle the touch created. He looked into Tsukishima’s eyes, to find them searching his. For what? He had no idea but the words that came out of his mouth shocked him.

A whispered “I’m so sorry, Tetsu. I love you.” It was so soft, he knew that Tsukishima hadn’t meant to say it out loud. But he did and Kuroo froze.

Kuroo didn’t know what it was that dream Tsukishima was sorry for... Was he sorry that he loved him? “No. Don’t be sorry, Kei. I love you too. I love you so much, you don’t even know.” He tried to soothe dream Tsukishima. 

He gently moved Tsukishima so that he was on his knees with his chest down against the bed before sliding back into Tsukishima and pounding into him. His thrusts fast and deep, but it was not enough. 

Kuroo draped himself across Tsukishima’s back, his hand came up to turn Tsukishima’s face to him so that he could capture his mouth and drink the sounds that Tsukishima was making. 

Tsukishima let out a whine and nipped at his bottom lip. Something in him broke and he growled out his pleasure, his hips slammed against him faster and harder, hitting the bundle of nerves in Tsukishima that had him crying out and pushing back to meet his thrusts. Not long after, Tsukishima was clamping down on him as he reached his release, but it was the “I love you” that caused Kuroo to follow right after him. He bit down on Tsukishima’s neck as he filled Tsukishima up. He rode out his release, thrusting shallowly inside Tsukishima while he lavished his mark. He felt Tsukishima shudder against him as his walls milked Kuroo’s dick.  

Kuroo moved them so they were laying on their sides, making sure he didn’t slip out. Not wanting this dream to end so soon. He held Tsukishima close to him, acting out his favourite dream of cuddling Tsukishima, his arms wrapped around his slim waist.

This was a great dream, a dream he didn’t want to wake up from. But it seemed his dream had other plans as his vision started to grow dark until he couldn’t see or feel anymore. He tried to move, anything to try to get back to the dream or at least to wake himself up, but he couldn’t do either.

He tried to imagine Tsukishima again. His hair, his eyes, his voice, his hands. Hands that had long, soft, slender fingers. Hands that he’s held a couple of times before, but not as much as he’d wish. Hands that he helped strengthen in their high school days. Hands that… were like the ones he could feel running through his hair. 

Once his mind realised that fact, he could see Tsukishima. He could see Kei. Kuroo was laying on his lap, or his head was at least. They weren’t in a room anymore. They seemed to be sitting on a small patch of grass, so somewhere outside. He was happy that he had managed to dream of him again. 

But unlike the earlier dream, Kuroo couldn’t seem to move or speak. He was left to watch as Kei held him in his lap, and feel his fingers carding through his hair.

“Tetsurou,” Kei sighed, giving him a small smile that hid a twinge of sadness that made Kuroo’s heart break. “I promised myself that this is the last time. I wish it wasn’t, but it has to be.” 

_Last time?_ _What did Kei mean by that?_ Kuroo was frustrated that this dream wouldn’t let him move or speak. He wanted to hug Kei and make him smile. He knew this dream Kei was sad because of him but he didn’t know why.

“Oh.” Kei’s voice cut his thoughts off. “He’s here to get you.” 

_ What? Who? Who’s here to get me? _

Kei slid out from under Kuroo and stood up, ready to walk away. But Kuroo didn’t want Kei to leave. He couldn’t lose this Kei too!

_ No, don't go! _

His hand finally cooperated and shot out to grab Kei’s hand. But once his hand touched Kei’s they were back in the room the first dream started in. Except Kuroo knew that  **this** wasn’t a dream anymore. He was holding  Kei’s Tsukishima’s hand. He could actually feel, the hand he was holding, no dull tingles that the dream had. 

He looked at his and Tsukishima’s hands. 10 fingers. This wasn’t a dream.   
  
  
The door swinging open pulled his eyes away from Tsukishima and he was even more surprised to see “Tobio?” 

“Hey, Tsukki. Sorry I'm late. I figured you wouldn't mind spending a bit more time with–… Oh.” Tobio froze, letting the door hit him against the shoulder.

“What are you doing here?”

Kuroo’s attention was brought back to Tsukishima when the blond pulled his hand out of his hold and stepping back. Putting a distance between him and Kuroo. 

“You collapsed and fainted. I'm just here to pick you up.” Tobio sighed, giving Tsukishima an apologetic glance. 

“Where am I? Why is Tsukishima here?”  Kuroo looked around the room, this was the same exact room he dreamt about. But even then everything in the room seemed to familiar to him to just be from the dream. 

“This is my home.” Tsukishima confessed, his voice soft and scared. “You, you've been here before, once, when we were still in high school.” 

Kuroo’s eyebrows drew together in disbelief. That couldn't be right. How could he know this room so well if he'd only been here once? How could he have replicated this room in his drea–… In his dream. 

His body became cold as dread filled him. It  _ was _ a dream, right? It- it had to be. He didn't… 

Kuroo turned to look at Tsukishima. Looked at him properly, taking in the tousled hair, his plump and red lips, when he caught sight of a hickey just peeking out above the turtle neck he was wearing. Kuroo tried to reason with himself, telling himself that it could have been from someone else but that was the wrong direction to go as jealousy crawled its way up his spine. He pushed it down before he did something he’d regret and remembered that in his dream he had bitten Tsukishima on his neck. 

With all his courage and strength Kuroo got off the bed and cautiously brought a hand up to Tsukishima's collar. Giving the blond a chance to pull away, but he didn't. He just closed his eyes as Kuroo hooked his finger on the collar and brought it down to reveal the bite mark he had left on him not too long ago. “I did this.” Kuroo whispered to himself in shock.

“I should probably go.” Tobio started to turn but Kuroo stopped him in his tracks with a loud. “Don't you dare leave!”

“H-” Kuroo's voice got caught. And he had to clear it. “How long has this been going on?” 

“I've been picking you up from here since your last year of high school.” Tobio stated.

“You knew what was happening. Why didn't either of you stop it?” Kuroo felt like he was going to go crazy. He knew he wanted Tsukishima, but he never wanted him like this. He loved him and he wanted their time to be special and caring.

“The visits only turned intimate two months ago.” Tsukishima informed him with a shaky voice. “I know I should have stopped it but I didn't and I–…” Tsukishima’s breath hitched. 

“I understand that you don't feel the same, but I love you. I have for a long time, even before all this. I was so happy when you first came over and just cuddled with me. I was so happy that I had one way of being with you… I was selfish, I even asked Tobio not to tell you because I thought this was the only chance I could get to have you. You'd hold me but then you'd forget the next day, but you kept coming back. I never stopped it because I thought it was the only way I could be with you.” Tsukishima cried. “I'm so sorry, Kuroo.” Tears formed in his eyes but he didn't let them fall, eyes pleading Kuroo for forgiveness. 

Kuroo wanted to ask Tsukishima more questions and understand him better but instead his body moved on its own and he ran out of the room — dragging Tobio with him, ignoring his protests — and out of the house. “We're leaving. Give me your keys, now!” He needed to get out of here, he couldn't breathe.

“I'll drive, you're in no condition to do anything right now.” Tobio pushed Kuroo into the passenger seat and with one last look at Tsukishima's house he got in the car and drove them off.   
  
  


Tsukishima watched Kuroo run out, dragging Tobio with him. He wanted to chase after him and explain and apologize more but he knew he deserved this. 

He was alone in his room. He sat back down on his bed. He sat there for a full minute before he curled up on his bed and let the unshed tears fall. “Fuck!” He swore for the first time in his life, quiet but full of hatred and regret. 

He lost Kuroo. 

But he never had him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ twitter (updates and my art )](https://twitter.com/lucytoyn)   
>  [ Tumblr ](https://lucymt-art.tumblr.com/)   
>  [ Ask me something on Curious cat! (= ˆ w ˆ =)](https://curiouscat.me/LucyToyn)


	6. Don't give up on him

Monday came and Tsukishima tried to act normal. But from the looks Tendou and Ushijima shared he knew he failed. He went to Kuroo's classroom to see if he could talk to him but according to one of his classmates he had already left to have lunch with a red headed freshman. 

Tsukishima's felt acid in his throat when he saw Kuroo with the freshman at the cafeteria a couple of tables away from where he, Tendou and Ushijima sat. But what made feel even worse was the fact that the freshman was wearing one of Kuroo's jackets. 

Did Kuroo have a boyfriend this whole time? Crap, he was going to throw up. Tsukishima jumped out of his seat and ran out of the cafeteria, straight to the nearest bathroom where he then proceeded to gag until he threw up bile. 

He knew he shouldn't have been selfish. But he was selfish and just found out that his selfishness not only ruined Kuroo's relationship, as he most likely feels as if he is to blame for cheating on his boyfriend, but also proved that Kuroo was never thinking of him. 

“Tsukishima” Tendou's voice called out to him behind his bathroom stall. “When you're ready, come out. Ushijima is making sure we’re the only ones here.”  

Tsukishima knew he couldn't stay in the bathroom forever, so he sucked up whatever remaining pride he had and stood up and walked out of the stall. He washed his hands and face, feeling Tendou's stare the whole time. 

He turned to face Ushijima and Tendou, propping himself up with the sink.

“What happened?” Tendou finally asked. “You don't have to tell us if you don't want to.”

After a couple of minutes of deliberation he let out a deep sigh and told them. The whole thing. His unrequited love for Kuroo, the visits, when said visits took a turn, and what happened Saturday after the pool. 

“I never wanted to see that expression on his face. It's worse because I was the one who put it there. At first we'd just fall asleep holding onto each other. There was no sex. But after we did it once, I couldn't put a stop to it. Because I've liked him all this time.” 

Tendou pulled Tsukishima into a hug, letting the tall blond cry on his shoulder. “He wouldn't have kept going to you if there wasn't a reason though, right?” Tendou said, trying to cheer Tsukishima up. When really it made him feel worse as he remembered what Tobio had told him 2 months ago. 

 _“He wouldn't have come here if he didn't trust or care for you.”_ Tsukishima broke that trust for letting it get too far. 

It was then that he decided he needed to move on. He didn't deserve Kuroo's love, Kuroo deserved someone who wouldn't do what he did.  


 

—— The Saturday night, in Tobio's car. —— 

“Why didn't you tell me?” Kuroo growled out. To be honest, he had no idea why he was mad. He was feeling a whole spectrum of emotions right now but he guesses that being angry was the easiest thing to do right now. 

“Well, I don't see what the problem is.” Tobio scoffed. 

“You don't- You don't see what the problem is?!? I've been raping Tsukishima for two months, without even knowing it! How is that not wrong?” If Tobio weren't driving, Kuroo would have smacked him across the head.

“Ok, yeah, you didn’t know. But I'm pretty sure it was consensual. You love Tsukishima, right?”

“Yes, but I-”

“Didn't you hear him? He said he let it happen because he loved you but thought you didn't feel the same way and so thought that was the only way he could be with you. Yes, it was a bad way to do it… But the important part there is he consented and he loves you.” 

“But I was with him all that time and I don't even know nor remember it.” Kuroo rubbed a hand down his face.

“Are you sure about that?”

Kuroo wanted to say he didn’t know what Tobio meant by that, but he did. Tobio was referring to his dreams. 

All of his “dreams” were actually what was happening to him when he would collapse due to the cold. But did that mean Tsukishima’s actions and words in said dreams were actually real? Or something his mind conjured up?

They were both quiet the rest of the way back.

——- End of flashback ——

 

Two weeks had passed.

The marks Kuroo had left on him were long gone and healed, much to his dismay, and Tsukishima would see Kuroo everywhere. However when Kuroo noticed him, he’d walk away. 

He didn’t mind, as long as he got to see Kuroo he was fine, he would take what he could get.

It hurt to be so close to Kuroo in that one class they shared. He always sat next to Kuroo but Kuroo wouldn’t look in his direction, always looking down at his book or out the window. When Kuroo dropped his pencil and he had picked it up for him, he didn’t take it. Just told Tsukishima that he “didn’t need it.”

Understandably they stopped eating lunch together after _that night_ . Tsukishima ate with Ushijima and Tendou in the cafeteria instead. He swore that he could feel Kuroo watching them but whenever he looked, Kuroo was talking with Tobio and the freshman, who he learned was Hinata Shouyou. Hinata who always seemed to be wearing one article of Kuroo’s clothing.  
  
Tsukishima would just tell himself that it was all in his head. He was just imagining what he hoped would happen. 

 

  
One day in their shared class, Tsukishima noticed that it was colder than usual. He saw that Kuroo seemed to be struggling to stay awake. 

“Kuroo, are you ok?” Tsukishima asked quietly. Tsukishima knew not to expect anything but he was pleasantly surprised when Kuroo looked at him and gave a short nod. 

“Y-Yeah. I’m fine. Just… Didn’t get enough... sleep.” His voice trailed off at the end as his eyes closed and his head hit the desk.  

Before Tsukishima could get out of his seat to help Kuroo, the door to the classroom opened and Tobio came in. He went straight to Kuroo’s seat and lifted him out. Tsukishima wanted to go after them but the teacher came in and called everyone back to their seats. 

Once class was over Tsukishima ran to the clinic. A gust of heat assaulted him when the door opened. His eyes found Kuroo first, wrapped up in blankets, held in Tobio’s arms. Hinata was there too and he couldn’t stop the glare that fell on his face. He reprimanded himself internally and focused his attention on Kuroo so that he wouldn’t continue glaring at the innocent freshman. 

“Kuroo, I-” Tsukishima started, but wasn’t able to finish as Kuroo cut him off saying “Don’t.”

Kuroo got up off the bed, shrugged off the blankets and walked past Tsukishima. “I can’t do this.” He said before he walked out of the clinic. 

Tsukishima watched Kuroo go, his chest ached, the scene reminding him of the night Kuroo found out. 

“Tsukki, are you ok?” 

Tobio’s question had Tsukishima tear his gaze away from the clinic doors. He looked down at the ground sadly. “I’m sorry for everything that’s happened.” Tsukishima looked up and gave Tobio a small but sad smile. “Thank you for all this time.” Before he too left the clinic.

  


The next day, Tsukishima found himself waiting at the bus stop. He just sat on the bench after his ride to school, not sure if he should go in or not. 

He hates that he left his headphones as now he has to listen to his mind wander and remind him what a mistake he is and how badly he’s messed up. He hates this because even if he promised himself to move on, he is still in love with Kuroo. 

“What are you doing, Tsukishima?” 

Tsukishima looked up to see Tobio coming off the bus that just pulled up.

“You'll be late. What, are you skipping class?” When Tsukishima didn’t reply Tobio grabbed his hand and pulled him up. “Come on, let's go.”

Tobio helped show Tsukishima a shortcut into the campus. He had to climb a fence first. When Tsukishima saw that Tobio was walking away, he asked what he was doing. 

“I'll go after I change. My house is just there.” He said, pointing in the direction of a cul-de-sac. When he was at the top of the fence Tobio called him and said. “Don't worry. He’s in love with you.” Causing Tsukishima to almost slip, but he caught himself. 

Tobio continued with: “Kuroo is just confused. I know you’ve been trying to talk to him but he won’t give you the time. He’s just being an idiot. He's using him not being conscious as an excuse… But have some confidence. He chose you by instinct.”

Tsukishima sighed. “He’s right to not want to talk to me. I love him and yet I did something despicable. Now he thinks he’s to blame when he’s not. I just want him to know that it was never his fault. I wanted it, even if it was stupid.” Tsukishima jumped down the fence and thanked Tobio for getting him to school. As he walked to class he heard Tobio say: “Don’t give up on him.” 

Tsukishima had lunch with Ushijima, Tendou was busy with an art project, he sat next to him and just talked about what Ushijima had planned for their upcoming anniversary. When Ushijima said he got Tendou a gift and wanted to make homemade chocolate ice cream with him, Tsukishima couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face. “That's very sweet, Ushijima. I'm sure he'd love that.” 

Tsukishima was dumbstruck when he saw a smile on Ushijima’s face, it was the first time he saw a genuine expression on his face and it showed all the love he had for Tendou. 

Tsukishima was in class after spending a nice lunch with Ushijima, he was waiting for his teacher to arrive when the classroom door slammed open, causing a couple of his classmates to squeak in surprise. Hinata was at the door, panting and looking worried. 

“Tsukishima-san! Come quick! It’s bad, Kuroo-san is fighting on campus!”

Worry pooled in Tsukishima’s gut and he ran out of his chair and followed Hinata to where Kuroo was.   
  


What Tsukishima couldn’t understand when he got to the scene was... Why was Kuroo fighting with Ushijima?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ twitter (updates and my art )](https://twitter.com/lucytoyn)   
>  [ Tumblr ](https://lucymt-art.tumblr.com/)   
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**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it! Do tell me if there are any mistakes or if there is something you don't understand and I'll fix it.  
> (it's not beta read so all mistakes are mine)
> 
>  
> 
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